Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
