Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
