Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
