dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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