I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
