He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Congratulations! We have a period
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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