i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
