Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
