so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
