just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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