I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
