Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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