I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
