god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Are we still banned from the library?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
