i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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