i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
