i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
