Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
