after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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