so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
