You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
