On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
