Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
