Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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