last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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