i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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