its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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