and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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