I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
