woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
