Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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