Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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