Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
