these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
