I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
