Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
