nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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