Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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