Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
