When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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