Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
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We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
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You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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