i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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