I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
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Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
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The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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