Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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