Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
