OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
