Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
