I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
