He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
