On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
