My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We need to get me chipped asap
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize