I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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