So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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