id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
