i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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