There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
