I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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