Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
