I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
