Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
