remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
