I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
