: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
