It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
